chaos.

i had about four or five dreams last night and i'm only remembering in bits and pieces. these are the ones i remember enough to hold a significant amount of weight. and yes, i'm aware of the pattern going on in them.

#1
i'm at a party at my grandmother's house and i'm walking around looking for taylor. i run into my mom and she asks me what i'm doing and i tell her that i'm looking for taylor. she starts laughing at me saying, "what is going on in your head? you think he'd actually come? he doesn't love you."

#2
i'm sitting outside my dorm room in the hall talking to taylor, telling him about a dream i had last night (i didn't actually have it, but regardless i think i did). in it, we had broken into the church i used to go to as a kid and playing over the loud speakers in the church (it doesn't actually have loud speakers) was "so desperate" by the mountain goats (i can only assume because we were in an episcopalian church). we walked up to the altar, side by side, and then he turned and looked at me. and then, we had the entire conversation we had when breaking up. at the end of the conversation, we both turned and walked off different sides of the altar. i turned and looked at him, he kept staring straightforward.

#3
my parents have just bought me a new red sports car. i'm driving along cherry road when i get the sudden urge to go into this comic book shop i'd been to a few times with taylor before. when i was pulling back out onto cherry, i tried to gun it in front of this other car. i managed to get ahead of the other car, but couldn't slow down in time to avoid hitting the car stopped at the stop light in front of me. both cars not severely damaged, we pulled them over into the parking lot beside cherry road so that we wouldn't hold up traffic. a policeman pulls up and tells me i'm going to have a $7500 ticket in addition to 4 points. i start crying, but no tears are coming out. like, i'm literally participating in the act of crying but there is no liquid coming from my eyes. the cop is looking at his paper and goes, "now, now. you're parents aren't exactly pushing diamonds here but they don't have a lot going on. they can pay $7500." and i said, "no, no they can't. they have to keep putting me through school and my sister next year and keep paying for this car and they just paid for me to go to paris and my sister to go on a cruise for our spring breaks and i could cover a $85 ticket so they wouldn't find out about it, but i can't take care of $7500." the policeman comes and wraps his arm around my shoulders and says, "there, there. it's alright. taylor's here." and i look over and the cop is taylor.